2021年3月31日 星期三
2021年3月30日 星期二
2021年3月29日 星期一
很好奇婚外情的現象和起因,今天來探討一下這個議題~
婚外情的成因很複雜,它不僅僅是為了滿足身體的需要,這裡面有個人的原因,也有社會的原因。
很多人都很想知道,到底什麼樣的人,更容易有婚外情? 以此,便可規避自己配偶婚外情行為的發生。
來看看那些更容易發生婚外情的“高危”人群。
大致這4種人容易出現婚外情,往往防不勝防,特別是最後一種。
01
第一:家庭不和睦的人
有很多人,把婚外感情者,簡單粗暴的標籤為“渣”男、“渣”女,似乎這樣的人,就是天生的人品差、管不住自己。實際上,事實多數並不是如此。
家庭不和睦,是導致婚外感情現象發生的一個重要原因。
在面對婚姻中層出不窮的矛盾、摩擦,有些人並不善於處理這些婚姻中的矛盾,也缺乏和伴侶溝通的技巧,導致婚姻矛盾不斷上升。
兩個人之間的隔閡越來越大,從當初的互相愛慕,變成了互相指責,各種需求得不到滿足。
在這種情況下,一些人採取的方式,不是去積極從自身找原因,改變夫妻間的相處模式,重建婚姻關係,而是把責任都歸到伴侶身上。
甚至片面地認為,是自己找錯了人。於是,採取了向外求的方式,去尋找婚外的心理安慰。這樣的人,就極易發生婚外感情行為。
因為,他們不能客觀地看待婚內的矛盾糾紛,缺乏理性思考,自我中心意識比較強。但是,他們不懂得自己不會,也沒有意識去解決親密關係中的相處矛盾。即使換多少人,也無濟於事。
婚外感情,只是起到了飲鴆止渴的作用,並不能真正地幫助到他們,反而會讓他們又平添更多的煩惱。
02
第二:伴侶比較強勢的男人
有些女人在家裡很霸道,對自己的伴侶不懂得尊重,有事也不願意去和伴侶商量,在家甚麼事都是自己說了算。
更有甚者,當著孩子的面訓斥伴侶,讓男人在家裡,一點威信都沒有,感覺憋屈。
這樣的男人,就是我們所說的“妻管嚴”。因為女人太強勢,不尊重自己的男人,男人在她這裡既得不到尊重,更得不到關心和愛,這樣的男人,就很容易發生婚外感情。
一旦在外面,遇到欣賞他和關心他的女人,就很容易在這樣的女人面前,尋求心理安慰和精神寄託。
如果對方也對他有愛慕之情,那麼,發生婚外感情的事,就是水到渠成了。
人的本性都是想要得到尊重和愛,如果在自己的伴侶面前得不到,更多的人就會選擇去別人那裡得到。
所以,有些女人也要注意了,不要總是在丈夫發生了婚外感情后,就只想著自己找了個“渣”男,男人都不是“東西”。
有時候,要理智的想想,問題出在哪?你覺得你對丈夫很好,給他做飯、洗衣服,但是,你所做的就是他需要的嗎?你給予他尊重和溫暖了嗎?
很多事情的發生。都不是簡單的一方面過錯,也要學會從教訓中反思、自省,這才能有利於改善婚姻關係,防止婚外感情的發生。
03
第三:夫妻聚少離多的人(這條對智商高的男女,發生的機率較少)
人是需要親密的“高級動物”,長時期的孤單,對人的身體和心理健康都會產生影響,讓人處於負面消極的情緒中。
所以,婚姻中夫妻經常聚少離多的家庭,伴侶發生婚外感情的概率是比較高的。
因為,人都是需要被人關心被人愛的,伴侶長期不在身邊,自己很多需求得不到滿足,就連喜怒哀樂都沒有人分享,孤獨感與日俱增。
這種情緒,長期壓抑在心裡,得不到宣洩、釋放,人就會出現不同程度的心理問題。
在這種情況下,有些人就會出於滿足自身的需要,用婚外感情的方式,排解心中的苦悶。而且,這種婚姻狀況中的夫妻,也都極易受到婚外異性的誘惑。因為,人都是需要歸屬感的。
所以夫妻長期兩地生活,並不利於婚姻的穩定和諧。有時候,不要用道德和自製力去考驗評判人性,要從人性的本身去思考問題。
其實,盡可能的解決聚少離多的現實問題,給對方以更多的關心和愛更為現實。特別是現在網絡和交通工具都很便捷的今天,夫妻雙方盡可能的要克服地域因素,多見面,加深感情。這樣,才有利於婚姻關係的健康發展。
04
第四:自身道德品質就不高的人(這就是典型的渣男渣女)
有些人,自身就道德品質不高,喜歡和異性不清不楚,男人表現的很好“色”,女人則表現的很輕浮、不自愛。
這樣的人即使結了婚,也很難改變他們的本性。婚姻和家庭對他們來說,並不是幸福的港灣,反而成了一種束縛。
這樣的人,心很難安定,總是喜歡外部的新鮮,來滿足自己的心理和身體需要。所以,一有機會,他們就極易發生婚外感情行為。
在他們的內心世界裡,家庭責任感、對伴侶的忠誠義務,都比不過自己的私心和享受重要。
這樣的男女,實際上都是有很強的佔有心,總是喜歡用征服異性的方式,來找到自己的存在感,強化自己的自信和自戀。
其實,本質上是一種人格障礙,這和幼年時期,沒有和父母建立安全的依戀關係,自身缺乏安全感、過度自戀和過度自卑都有關。
2021年3月28日 星期日
從典故和他人事蹟中學習為人處世的智慧方法~
圖:我們家的車掛雙車牌是為了方便出入香港和深圳
一個人的言行會影響福氣,也會左右命運。
為人處世,能做得到這四點的人,命運不會差,往往能安享人間福。
1
管得住嘴。
海明威曾說過:“我們花了兩年學會說話,卻要花上六十年來學會閉嘴。”
很多時候,一個人隨口而出的話,自己或許覺得無關緊要,於他人而言,卻是一種無形的傷害。
同事曉瓊,特別愛刨根問底。
有一次,她參加了養老院的志工活動。
她幫助的對像是一位82歲的老人,老人妻子去世,自己一個人生活在養老院,但他每天都過得非常開心。
曉瓊很不解,一個人年紀這麼大,而且身邊也沒有親人,怎麼還能這麼快樂呢。
於是,她就不停地追問老人:“你這麼大年紀了,活不了幾年了,你離死亡這麼近,怎麼還能這麼快樂?”
開始老人只是默不作聲,後來曉瓊又說了一些令人難堪的話,老人實在忍無可忍,憤怒地對曉瓊喊:“你給我出去!”
曉瓊的口無遮攔,無疑是在老人的傷口上撒鹽,讓人心疼。
富蘭克林曾經說過:“失誤可以很快彌補,失言卻可能永遠無法補救。”
每個人都有不為人知的心酸,如果別人不想說,就不必追問。
《薛子論道》中說:“一字不可輕與人,一言不可輕許人。”
意思是說話要謹慎,即使是一個字,也不要輕易地對別人說;即使是一句話,也不要輕易地做出承諾。
言多必失,許多的禍事,都是從管不住嘴開始。
俗話也說:“守嘴者不惹禍,守心者不出錯。”
曾國藩在年輕時,也和很多普通人一樣,管不住自己的嘴,喜歡說大話。
有一次曾國藩父親過生日,老鄉鄭小珊前來祝壽。
當時的曾國藩剛入翰林院,有些得意忘形。
就對前來祝壽的友鄭小珊誇誇其談,吹噓自己。
沒想到卻惹惱了鄭小珊,壽宴還未結束鄭小珊就憤怒離去。
事後曾國藩察覺到了自己的錯誤,懊悔不迭,此後他開始注意自己的言語。
咸豐十一年,曾國藩為教育手下人,寫了著名的“勸誡淺語”,其中第三條便為“禁大言以務實”。
曾國藩也曾在家書裡告誡自己的子孫後代:“立身以不妄語為本。”
老子曰:“大巧若拙,大辯若訥。”
謹言慎行是態度,管得住嘴是修養。
綜藝節目《央視主持人大賽》播出後,很多人被康輝給圈粉了。
他在點評選手時,語氣柔和,語速適中,總是讓人很舒服。
比賽現場,一個叫劉妙然的選手展示結束後,康輝溫和地對她說:
“整個完成的我覺得很流暢、也很規範。還有一點小小的建議,如果你能稍稍地停一停、緩一緩。讓每一個故事在我們的心中再醞釀一下的話,可能對你整個的表達會更有幫助。”
說完,觀眾們掌聲一片。
先肯定,再提出意見,既顧全了選手的面子,又給出了建議,一番話十分得體。
群居守嘴,獨處守心,管得住嘴,才能守得住福。
管住自己的嘴,就等於守住自己的福。
真正厲害的人,守得住心,管得住嘴。
2
低調內斂。
《道德經》裡講:“不自見,故明;不自是,故彰;不自伐,故有功;不自矜,故長。夫唯不爭,故天下莫能與之爭。”
意思是不刻意展示自己,因而更顯耀;不自以為是,因而更突出;不自我誇耀,因而更有功績;不自以為賢能,因而受到尊重;
那些性格低調,從不與人相爭的,世界上也就沒有人能損害他們分毫。
俗話說:木秀於林,風必摧之。
做人鋒芒太露,容易招致禍患。
做人切忌驕傲自大,炫耀自己。
越炫耀,越容易惹禍上身。
在《世說新語》中記載了一個“石崇鬥富”的故事:
西晉大臣石崇不僅是個官二代,還是當時著名的富豪,在炫富這件事上,就算晉武帝也不是他的對手。
有一次,晉武帝的舅父王愷要和石崇鬥富,結果發現自己完全不是石崇的對手。
於是晉武帝決定暗中相助,將一棵二尺高的珊瑚樹交給了王愷,讓他拿著這珊瑚樹去打壓一下石崇的囂張氣焰。
當王愷得意洋洋地把珊瑚樹拿出來的時候,出人意料的事情發生了。只見石崇不屑地看了一眼這珊瑚樹後,隨手拿起如意便把珊瑚樹給敲碎了。
王愷當時就急了,他正要上前和石崇理論,卻看見石崇的僕人搬出六七株三四尺高的珊瑚樹。這下子驚得王愷目瞪口呆,最後只能鎩羽而歸。
石崇雖然富可敵國,但他卻還是不知收斂。一邊做官收取賄賂,一邊經商賺取外快,他甚至還扮起了強盜,通過打劫商隊而斂財致富。
貪得無厭的石崇,不但不知收斂,還不斷炫富待到大難臨頭時,悔之晚矣。公元300年,趙王司馬倫掌控了西晉政權。此時的石崇,失去了權勢與靠山。
司馬倫的親信孫秀因貪圖石崇的財富,便誣陷石崇為亂黨,就這樣,石崇因炫富而斷送了一家老小的性命。
人性最大的愚蠢,其實就是炫耀你比別人富有。
在明朝時期,有個家產很富的商人叫沈萬三。
有一次,皇帝朱元璋有心試探他,我有百萬軍,你的錢財養得起嗎?沈萬三得意地回答說,每個人給一兩銀子都夠。
沈萬三的這份狂妄,讓朱元璋很是不高興,但也眼紅沈萬三的財富。當朱元璋定都南京後,因國庫空虛,就打起了沈萬三的主意。
一次,他召見沈萬三,給了他一文錢,要他用這個做本錢來放債。還要求他:一變二,二變四,一天一變,一個月為期。
沈萬三不以為然,當下便答應了。等到回家之後,讓管家算賬,才發現數額龐大,足有五億多!這時,他才意識到自己不僅錢財難保,性命也危在旦夕,於是感慨道:“吾命休矣”!
果然,沒過多久,朱元璋便抄了沈萬三的家。
有一句話:“客不離貨,財不露白。”
一個人越顯擺自己的財富,越容易引來他人的嫉妒,也越容易勾起他人的貪欲。
低調內斂,才是智慧的處世之道。
《史記》上記載,孔子年輕時曾經向老子請教做人的道理。
老子告訴孔子:“良賈深藏若虛,君子盛德容貌若愚。”
一個了不起的商人,深藏財貨,而外表看起來好像空無所有;
一個有修養的君子,內藏道德,而外表看起來好像是愚蠢遲鈍。
在這個世上,真正聰明的人,大多藏而不露。唯有半壺水響叮噹的人,才會去炫耀自己。
無論你再富有,再優秀,再淵博,千萬不要輕易向別人炫耀。因為炫耀會為你招來禍害,帶來麻煩,甚至自找尷尬和難堪。
3
懂得給別人留餘地。
《菜根譚》有云:
“路經窄處,留一步與人行;滋味濃處,減三分讓人嘗。”
生活中,我們免不了跟他人有爭執和糾紛。
與人方便,自己就能方便;與人寬容,自己就有後路。
《周易》中有這樣一句話:“行不可至極處,至極則無路可續行;言不可稱絕對,稱絕對則無理可續言。
意思是,事不可辦絕,話不可說絕,要給人留餘地。
行不至絕處,言不至極端,才能通達人情,進退自如。
學會給人留餘地,是做人的修養,更是處世的智慧。
李嘉誠曾說:“一定要給合作夥伴留有足夠的利潤空間。”
這也是李嘉誠一生中一直教導執行的商業信條,體現了他的人生智慧。
他對兒子說:
“做人要留有餘地,不要把事情做絕。有錢大家賺,利益大家分享,這樣才有人願意合作。假如拿8的股份是公正的,拿9也可以,但是如果只拿7的股份,就會財源滾滾。”
懂得留有餘地,讓對方沾點光、有錢賺,看似自己利潤少了、吃了虧,其實是贏得了人氣,會讓你走得更遠、賺得更多,正所謂“財聚人散,財散人聚”。
古語說:利不可佔盡,福不可享盡,勢不可用盡,理不可奪盡。
給人留有餘地,就是給自己留退路、留機會。
洛克菲勒說過一句話:
“往上爬的時候要對別人好一點,因為你走下坡的時候可能會碰到他們。”
人生在世,三十年河東,三十年河西。
誰都會有山窮水盡的時候,凡事做絕,不給別人留餘地,其實也是斷了自己的後路。
戰國時,商鞅變法以嚴刑峻法聞名於世,一旦犯法,絕沒有迴旋的餘地,秦國一時間人人自危。
後來商鞅失勢,假扮商人逃往國外,逃到函谷關時,城門已關。
商鞅對守將說:“我要出關,請通融一下。”
守將說:“商君立法,黃昏閉關,放你過去我也會受到牽連,絕對不可以。”
商鞅只好找客棧住下,店主問他要身份憑證。
商鞅說:“出門著急,忘了帶憑證。”
店主回复:“商君律法,收留無證者,和無證者一同問斬,決不敢留您!”
商鞅仰天長嘆:“我這是作法自斃啊!”最後商鞅被捕,落得個五馬分屍。
無論說話還是做事,懂得留有餘地,才會有更多的迴旋餘地。
《朱子家訓》中說:
“凡事當留餘地,得意不宜再往;處事須留餘地,責善切戒盡言。”
人生在世,學會給他人留餘地,就是對自己最好的保護。
當你置身巔峰時,不對失意者趕盡殺絕,不對冒犯者窮追不捨,而是寬以待人,手下留情。
有朝一日,別人也會對你知恩圖報。
《左傳》裡記載過這樣一個故事:
相傳晉國大夫魏武子有位愛妾祖姬。
一次魏武子病重,便囑咐兒子魏顆,在他死後一定要為愛妾尋個好人家。
可臨終前,魏武子又改了主意,非要祖姬為他殉葬。
魏顆思前想後,還是遵從了父親最初的囑託,給祖姬安排了戶好人家。
多年後,秦國攻打晉國,魏顆奉旨應戰。
在戰場上,魏顆與秦國大將杜回廝殺,危難時刻,一個老人用繩套絆倒杜回。
魏顆趁機俘虜了杜回,大勝而歸。
後來才知道,這個老人正是祖姬的父親。
因當初魏顆放了女兒一條生路,故今來報當年之恩。
正因魏顆當初給人留下的一線生機,才讓自己贏得了轉機。
心寬能作福,心善可開路,不把事做絕,才能讓自己進退自如。
凡事往後退三分,得饒人處且饒人,既是成全他人,又能成就自己。
曾國藩說:“話不說盡有餘地,事不做盡有餘路,情不散盡有餘韻。”
無論說話、做事都要留有餘地,因為人際交往是複雜的,一個人如果說話過滿,做事太絕,當結果最終不如意時,只會讓彼此進退失據,處境尷尬。
而懂得給人留餘地,則能讓雙方都有可進可退的空間,不致使關係鬧僵。
凡事不要做得太過,別人有路可走,你才不會陷入絕境。
在南北朝時期,有一個著名的隱士叫范元琰,他住在吳郡錢塘,家裡面生活貧困,只能以種植蔬菜為生。
有一次外出散步時,突然看到有人在偷他們家的蔬菜,范元琰馬上掉頭轉身跑回家,母親看到後,就問他出什麼事了,范元琰如實的回答。
母親又問他:“小偷是誰?”
范元琰回答說:“剛才我之所以跑回家,就是因為擔心小偷看見我而感到難為情,日後沒臉見人,現在我如果把小偷的姓名說出來,你千萬不要洩露出去。”
於是母子兩個從來沒有把這件事情說出去。
還有一次,有一個小偷游過來偷他們家的竹筍,范元琰看到之後不僅不抓,反而替小偷伐木架橋,讓小偷順利過河。從此之後小偷們都感到非常慚愧。
此後,方圓數十里,再也沒有發生盜竊之類的事情了。
留有餘地,看似是給別人行方便,其實也是給自己行方便,可以讓自己免除後患,少些阻礙,多些坦途。
凡事留一線,日後好相見。
給別人留餘地,本質上也是給自己轉圜的空間。
4
與人為善。
路遙的《平凡的世界》裡,有兩個對比強烈的女孩子。
侯玉英家境不錯,可惜身材矮胖,天生還是個坡子,內心隨之有些扭曲,所以“在生活中她最關注的是別人的缺點,好像要竭力證明這世界上所有的人都是不完整的——你們的腿比我好,但另外的地方也許並不如我!”
於是,她表現欲超強,給同學打飯時頤指氣使,告發孫少平上課看課外書,後又在孫少平分配勞動工具時,揭穿他對郝紅梅的偏袒,藉此讓兩人下不來台。
相反,縣革委會主任的女兒,女二號田曉霞冰雪聰明,善解人意,見識開闊,滿懷理想,沒有絲毫高乾子弟的做派,常懷一顆悲憫萬物的慈悲之心。
她對農家子弟少平情有獨鍾,知道少平生活窘迫,從不當麵點破,常常挖空心思地幫他,假裝丟錢包,一起清洗煙囪,吃他的烤紅薯,帶他看報紙,幫他借書,由衷讚美和鼓勵他,說他跟別人不一樣……悄無聲息地照顧著少平敏感的自尊心,引領著他的人生理念發生質的飛躍。
田曉霞的看破不說破,是內心有光芒的善良。這種善良,是時時刻刻為他人著想,是柔軟潤澤春風化雨,讓人溫暖妥帖。
《四十二章經》裡曾提到:助之歡善。得福甚大。
助人之人,福報自來。
在晚清的歷史上,胡雪巖是家喻戶曉的名字。
他的成功有很多原因,但他“肯給予別人幫助”也是原因之一。
一名商人在生意中慘敗,需要大筆資金周轉。為了救急,他主動上門,開出低價想讓胡雪巖收購自己的產業。
胡雪巖不敢怠慢,經調查屬實後,立刻急調大量現銀,給出正常的市場價來收購對方的產業。
那個商人驚喜而又疑惑,實在是不解胡雪巖為何到手的便宜都不佔,堅持按市場價來購買。
胡雪巖笑著說,“我只是代為保管你的這些抵押資產,等你挺過這個難關後,隨時都可以來贖回屬於你的東西。”
商人萬分感激二話不說,簽完協議之後,對胡雪巖表示自己的敬意後便含淚離開了。
商人走後,胡雪巖的手下們也紛紛不解。大家問胡雪巖,為什麼送上門的肥肉都不吃,不但不趁對方急需錢叫低價格,還要給對方銀子。胡雪巖講訴了一段年輕時自己的遭遇:
“在我年輕的時候,我只是店裡的小伙計,經常幫著東家四處催債。一次,正趕往另一戶債主家中的我遇上了大雨,路邊的一位陌生人也被雨淋濕。正好那天我隨身帶了傘,便幫人家打傘。
後來,每到下雨時,我便常常幫一些陌生人打傘。時間一長,那條路上認識我的人也就多了。有時,我自己忘了帶傘也不怕,因為會有很多我幫過的人也來為我打傘。 ”
接著,胡雪巖說:“你肯為別人付出,別人才願為你付出。剛才那位商人的產業可能是幾輩人,慢慢積攢下來的,我要是佔了他便宜,人家可能一輩子都翻不了身了。
這不是投資,而是救人,到頭來交了朋友,還對得起自己的良心。誰都有困難的時候,能幫忙就幫忙。 ”
眾人聽後,都讚嘆不已。後來,商人前來贖回了自己的產業,胡雪巖因此也多了一位忠實的合作夥伴。
在那之後,人人都知道了胡雪巖的義舉,官府百姓都對胡雪巖尊敬不已。胡雪巖的生意也好得出奇,無論經營哪項行業,總會有人幫忙,也有數不清的客戶來捧場。
善待每一個人,人生路才會越走越寬。
世事如棋,變幻莫測,光芒萬丈的人,也許轉眼就一身銹;身陷低谷的人,說不定哪天就登上巔峰,風光無限。
與人為善,即是給自己積福。
一個人所做的好事和壞事,都會以各種形式返回到自己身上。
愛出者愛返,福往者福來。
用愛對待別人,別人也會回之以愛;把福報送給別人,也會收穫福報。
善惡到頭終有報,保持敬畏,積德行善,才能規避禍患,福氣常在。
那些不經意間的善舉,就像一盞明亮的路燈,溫暖他人的同時,也能照亮你以後的路。
這樣做,男人便是對你一往情深~
有人假裝愛你,也就有人假裝不愛你。
這個社會既是非常功利的又是極其騷動不安的,很多的人喜歡在愛情裡暢遊,能抓住緣分當然最好,抓不到也覺得是命中註定的無緣。
但是,浮躁的社會裡,依然有人願意用認真的心來等待一份幸福,往往這樣的人才最震撼人心,他們喜歡假裝不愛,嘴上沒有一句喜歡,顯出各種淡漠,甚至連儀式感也是不擅長的,可是他們的眼神都是真摯和火熱的,行動也都是踏實靠譜的,兌現承諾又總是超預期的,因為他們從不隨便承諾,而是直接付諸於行動。
男人假裝不愛妳的時候,他會給妳三個待遇,比如,不聯絡你,卻為妳做很多事情;很少公開關注妳,卻默默注意妳;一邊挑剔妳,一邊寵愛妳。
在他的眼裡,你既是小公主,又是女神,還是可憐蟲,總之,他對妳的假裝冷淡,都是因為深愛才有的偽裝,又是真愛才有的克制與隱忍。
真心愛你的男人,才會暴露出動深情的典型特徵:克制,小心翼翼,默默付出卻不求回報,安靜守候和陪伴。
以前車馬飛郵遞都很慢,一生只夠愛一個人,而現在的社會,資訊信息發展迅速,更多的人選擇速食,愛就要快速擁有,一旦碰到些許的困難,就開始另尋他歡,那個願意執著和專注的人,不是沒有更好的選擇,而是覺得妳值得他這樣做。
男人假裝不愛妳,往往都有旁人看不懂的情深。
男人對妳一往情深,通常,會給妳三個Sign。
【01】
很少聯絡妳,卻為妳做很多事情
他有妳的聯絡方式,但不會輕易打擾妳,那麼他會怎麼做呢?
第一,他會為妳處理很多棘手的事情,比如生活中出現的紛擾,工作上的煩惱,朋友之間的誤解等等,就算妳不說,他也能輾轉打聽到妳的一切消息,然後悄悄為妳解決掉某些問題。
第二,妳所擔憂的某些事情,他也會主動替妳分擔,這種主動給妳安全感的人,如果沒有深愛,是很難做到語言滯後於行動的,更多的人喜歡邀功請賞,至少也會在行動後有所表達,比如,某某事情,是我找人幫妳的;某某問題,是我處理的等等。
默默愛妳的人,都喜歡在聯絡上安靜,卻在行動上踏實,每一步都很用心和認真,對妳的一切付出,都是真實的,但不會要求回報什麼,就連妳的感激,他也不強求。
第三,有關於妳家人的事情,他也會主動參與,而且一直以朋友的身份,而不是未來女婿的身份,他非常善於尊重妳的喜好,如果妳沒有主動邀請他去妳家做客,他會只處理事情,絕不參與妳的家庭關係。
這種看似不怎麼熱情的男人,其實都是在用心待妳,踏踏實實付出,認認真真守護,無論妳怎樣,他都願意陪伴,儘管他並沒有這樣說,可是他的舉動,已經訴說了一切情意。
【02】
很少主動,卻默默關注妳
在你們的相處中,他幾乎很少主動,其實這也是最讓妳不安的一件事,但是很幸運的事情是,他會默默關注妳,凡是妳的事情,他都知道,而且特別在意。
在他眼裡,妳屬於女神一樣的待遇,他對妳的愛,更多的是尊重和信任,希望妳能慢慢接納他,喜歡他,進而跟他擁有著同步的愛意,但在這個過程中,他願意用時間來等待,無論多久,他都願意。
男人的某些深愛,就是這樣子,寧可給妳充分的思考時間來做出最終的選擇,也不會隨便感動妳,希望妳的回應是發自肺腑的喜歡,而不是將就或者感動。
他把妳當成女神一樣來珍惜,雖然不主動,但是喜歡一點也不少,愛慕一點也不缺,情深一點也不欠,在你們的來往中,從他小心翼翼的言談舉止,妳就能感受到,偶爾他看妳的眼神都是溫暖和柔和的,當妳感覺一個男人總是用仰慕的眼光來對待你時,很可能的,他就是把妳當成女神了。
女神,往往是男人心中理想化的愛情化身,更多的男人會選擇庸俗和合適,而不是奢求女神,因為不是每個人都能擁有愛慕女神的勇氣,所以那個願意等待在女神不遠處的男人,往往是膽怯且勇敢的,認真且篤定的。
【03】
一邊挑剔妳,一邊寵溺妳
說妳幼稚的人是他,幫妳收拾殘局的人也是他。
他就像妳的兄長,很期待妳快一點成長,但又不捨得妳長太快,因為妳成長以後,就不再依賴他了,他也就沒有存在感了,但是偶爾被妳搞得還有點頭大,所以碰到妳犯迷糊的時候,他就會忍不住罵妳,可是沒過多久,他就又開始幫妳善後,特別會疼人,又特別會包容,在寵愛妳的路上,他注定會越走越遠。
當他罵妳的時候,有時候還會特別兇,簡直像是一個老師恨鐵不成鋼,拎著妳的耳朵各種教導和批評,過後,他又會反思自己,畢竟妳是個任性的女人,需要他的疼愛和呵護,所以他又感覺不忍,時不時地還會跟妳道歉,就算不道歉,他也會內疚,然後做出一些很溫暖的舉動,比如,幫妳做一些妳在意的事情,安慰妳,討好妳,畢竟他對妳發脾氣是他的不理智,但是事出意外,有些情緒也是正常的。
表面上看起來,他確實有些脾氣,但是他的所有情緒,還不都是因為擔心妳,替妳憂慮。妳若歲月靜好,他倒是省心了,可是妳總是讓他操心,所以他才會忍不住罵妳,他會把寵愛和呵護的待遇送給妳,讓妳做他手心裡的小公主,看似只把妳當成孩子來對待,其實他是很愛妳才有的擔當和責任感。
男人假裝不愛妳,但往往都把深情藏在了行動中,盡量用周全和呵護的方式來愛妳,卻不願意用某些感動的方式來哄騙妳,因為他覺得這不是他愛妳的最好方式。
男人愛一個女人最好的方式,就是寵愛且尊重,珍惜且懂得,遷就且包容,願意真誠,卻也主動認真。
而有的男人假裝愛妳,卻是吃著碗裏的,再看著鍋裡的,這就是典型的智障和渣男。因為有研究顯示,智商越低的人越喜歡搞外遇和管不住自己的褲袋裡的那根蔥頭。所以對這種男人,女人絕不能心軟和識人不清。渣的永遠都是渣的,子子孫孫都是。這就是龍生龍 鳳生鳳,老鼠的崽子會打洞。
2021年3月27日 星期六
如今顏值當道,有人說,美麗是女人最好的底牌,然而以色侍人能得幾時好?
於是,又有人說,容貌會老去,身材可以通過自律維持很長時間,然而再健康的體態也會隨著身體機能的老化,而變得鬆鬆垮垮。
顏值、身材受到時間的約束性太大,所以,對於女人而言,這兩樣東西都不是她最好的底牌。
靈魂是唯一一個能夠不被時間約束的事物,哪怕身體不再矯健,容顏不再美麗,但是靈魂卻依舊能夠熠熠生輝。
所以,於女人而言,人到中年的最好底牌就是擁有美好的品質。
一、有主見,不活在別人的評論中
韓國的國民女神李孝利曾經風靡整個亞洲,韓國的美女很多,但卻美得千篇一律,而有獨特韻味的李孝利在美女如雲的韓圈裡,創造了屬於自己的風格。
在那個年代,集美貌性感於一身的李孝利無疑是很多男粉絲心中不敢去褻瀆的“硃砂痣”。
後來,韓國傳出了李孝利和李尚順的婚訊,當得知男方是一個長相身材都一言難盡的普通人時,一時間,眾多粉絲炸了鍋,因為在他們的心裡,無可替代的李孝利應該和配得上一個容貌與她匹敵的人,而不是李尚順。
整個韓圈嘩然,有人諷刺說這是“美女與野獸”的組合,甚至就連李孝利的媽媽都無法接受這個事實。
然而李孝利卻從未在意別人的看法,在她心裡,李尚順就是此生唯一,或許他不夠高大帥氣,但是在自己心裡,對方就是最好的,無需他人認可自己是否會幸福,這便就足夠了。
而如今已到中年的李孝利確實過得很幸福,丈夫的寵愛,遠離了城市的喧囂,而今所有的一切都證明了她當初的選擇很正確。
鮑爾萊曾經說過這樣一句話——“一個人成熟的標誌,就是明白每天發生在自己身上的99%的事情,對於別人而言毫無意義。”
不活在別人的評論裡,餘生才能擁有更好的自己。
二、淡泊寧靜,寵辱不驚
陸劇大咖陳道明和妻子杜憲可謂是娛樂圈一對特別的夫妻了,當周遭充斥著各種分分合合,或是明星夫妻熱衷於參加綜藝節目的熱潮時,陳道明和杜憲最喜歡做的就是一同坐於窗前,一個做著十字繡,一個做著手工,誰都不打擾誰,空間裡到處都是歲月靜好。
年輕時的杜憲容貌姣好,氣質大方,是新聞界一道靚麗的風景線,對於上個世紀80年代而言,能在央視工作,就意味著終身有了依靠和保障。
然而,杜憲更熱衷於金融,為了心中的理想,她毅然決然地辭去了央視的工作。
如今的杜憲鮮少出現在公眾視野中,她更多的是享受眼前擁有的生活,有心愛的人相伴左右,再煮一壺清茶,彼此交流心事,日子過成詩一般的生活。
諸葛亮在《誡子書》中說到:“靜以修身,儉以養德,非淡泊無以明志,非寧靜無以致遠”。
這個世界上,唯有淡泊寧靜能夠支撐自己強大的內心去抵抗生活中的所有艱難險阻。
“凡心靜則神悅,神悅則福生。”,當你平心靜氣地看到得失,看待這世間萬物的所有變化時,你會發現曾經以為放不下的已悄然放下,內心從未如此通透過。
三、先沉澱自己,繼而厚積薄發
娛樂圈更新換代的速度是常人難以想像的,可能上一秒還紅透半邊天的人,下一秒就再也無法在熒幕上看到她的身影,顏值和身材是可以踏入娛樂圈的一個硬性標準,所以,在這裡,永遠都不缺乏新鮮漂亮的面孔。
近幾年,姚晨、馬伊琍、劉敏濤甚至是之前名不見經傳的任素汐,這些中年女演員開始大批量的進入觀眾的視野,她們不像流量小花那般鮮嫩,但人們更願意看到的是她們隱藏在外表下,精湛的演技和有趣的靈魂。
繼《武林外傳》、《潛伏》之後,便很少看到姚晨的身影了,去年《都挺好》的蘇明玉,讓闊別多年的她再次回到了觀眾眼中,和很多年前相比,她的氣質更多了一份成熟的韻味。
那些沒有戲拍的日子裡,算是姚晨的沉寂期,但是在那段沒人打擾的日子裡,姚晨將所有時間都用來研究劇本,研究演技,在一個人的時光裡,安靜的沉澱自己。
於是,《都挺好》中的蘇明玉是姚晨通過自我沉澱的厚積薄發,她從來沒有因為無所事事而放任自己,那些寂寞的歲月都是她最好的增值期。
所有的成功都不是上帝垂憐的偶然,而是通過無數個日夜的實力儲備,爾後才厚積薄發的熠熠生輝。
顏值不漂亮,身材不妖嬈,這些不足都可以通過有趣的靈魂來彌補,它可以讓你在餘下的生活中依舊可以光鮮亮麗。
當你擁有足夠的底氣時,你會發現從前以為放不下的事情,如今也豁然開朗,當你用心去迎接這個世界時,世界也會滿懷熱愛去迎接你。
謙謙君子,卑以自牧
讀《三國演義》你會發現,越是雄才大略的人物,越能謙遜待人,所以在哪都能受人尊敬。
古人說過,自見者不明,自是者不彰,自伐者無功,自矜者不長。
低能的人,喜歡炫耀這四件東西~~
1,越無足輕重的人,越喜歡炫耀人脈。
林語堂曾說,社會十大俗氣之一,就是“每與人言必談及貴戚”。
《三國演義》裡的蔣幹,正是這樣一個人。
蔣幹才能平平,既比不了荀彧的治國之能,也比不了郭嘉荀攸的運籌帷幄。
在“謀士如雲,將士如雨”的曹操麾下,只是個無足輕重的小角色。
好在,他有個強大的昔日同窗周瑜。而後者,正是曹操在赤壁之戰中的勁敵。
在交戰前蔣幹主動提出,自己和周瑜是小時候的好友,願憑三寸不爛之舌勸降對方。
還拍胸脯保證:“幹到江左,必要成功!”
可他卻高估了自己的分量。周瑜雖對蔣乾熱情招待,卻完全不給他開口勸降的機會。
反而將計就計,利用蔣幹向曹操傳遞假情報,騙得曹操昏招迭出,終於一敗塗地。
以曹操的為人,想必痛定思痛後,一定會對蔣幹有所處分。
虛榮的蔣幹無論如何也不會想到,為了出人頭地而炫耀的人脈,最後卻成了取禍之道。
生活裡,像蔣幹這樣的人比比皆是。
總炫耀自己認識無數大佬,總自誇現在身處牛掰的圈子。
似乎認識了誰,就能變成誰,處在什麼圈子,就能掌控什麼樣的資源。
直到遇上事情才發現,身邊榮光無限,沒有絲毫與自己有關。
這並不是世態炎涼,只不過是你誤解了人脈的本質。
所謂人脈,只為利用,所有交情,皆為交換。
錦上添花,才是人脈的常態,錙銖必較,就是交換的法則。
你無用時,認識誰都沒用,你能提供資源,自有人脈洶湧而來。
2,越平庸無能的人,越喜歡炫耀身份。
《三國演義》的時代,高門大戶世代為官,擁有著龐大的軍事政治勢力和影響力。 “
四世三公”的汝南袁氏,正是當時的頂級家族之一。
作為袁氏的嫡子,袁術從小就享受著身份帶來的榮耀。
可長大以後,他無論是能力還是影響力,都比不了庶出的兄長袁紹。
袁紹做到大將軍何進的心腹,為其籌謀劃策。袁術只能作為護衛首領,聽命行事。
袁紹被反董卓的各路諸侯推選為盟主,統攬大局。袁術只做了個糧草總管,受袁紹領導。
也許因為現實太過憋屈,袁術就格外喜歡以身份驕人。
對陣華雄時,關羽主動請纓,袁術第一反應不是評價其戰鬥力高低,而是怒斥:
“汝欺吾眾諸侯無大將耶?”
關羽斬了華雄,張飛提出乘勝追擊。袁術立即予以否決,理由是:
“俺大臣尚自謙讓,量一縣令手下小卒,安敢在此耀武揚威!”
他無時無刻不在強調自己身份高貴,還在各路軍閥中率先稱帝。
可結局卻是,手下眾叛親離,自己兵敗慘死。死前想求一口蜜水喝,都未能如願。
袁術的下場令人唏噓。
像袁術這種人,總喜歡炫耀自己的背景,總是給自己貼上各種高大上的標籤。
看似威風赫赫,卻不知道越是強調身份,越是暴露了自己內心的不自信。
越是想藉外力得到別人的尊重,越會被視為跳梁小丑,受人恥笑。
人生的底氣,應當是自己的能力,而不是外在的虛名。
真正厲害的人,能居高位而游刃有餘,不驕不躁,處低位亦坦然自若,不卑不亢。
3,越能力不足的人,越喜歡炫耀功勞。
提起曹操手下的重要謀士,人們首先想到的永遠是荀彧、荀攸、郭嘉、程昱。
其實還有一個人,為曹操的宏圖霸業立下汗馬功勞,就是謀士許攸。
官渡之戰時,曹操被袁紹重兵圍困,糧草幾乎告罄,眼看就要陷入絕境。
關鍵時刻,幸好袁紹的重要謀士許攸及時反水,向曹操獻計奇襲袁紹的屯糧之地,贏得官渡之戰的勝利。
不久,許攸再次獻計水淹冀州,順利奪取了袁紹的大本營。
兩次謀劃成功,讓許攸飄飄然起來。
他大肆炫耀自己的功勞,公開對曹操和大將許褚無禮,結果被許褚一怒斬殺。
如此悲慘的下場,可謂咎由自取。
然而現實中,不少人沒有許攸的才華,卻犯了許攸同樣的毛病。
難得取得小小成就,就大肆炫耀,口出狂言。
一時身處逆境,便日日追憶往昔輝煌,埋怨蒼天不公。
卻不知道,正是小胜即安的自滿,阻礙了自己的進步,正是自鳴得意的狂妄,招致了他人的反感。
所有對過往功勞的誇耀,本質上都是對未來前途的斷送。
真正聰明的人,從來都是把經歷當成試煉,用成績累積經驗。
4,越淺薄無知的人,越喜歡炫耀才華。
《三國演義》將諸葛亮描寫地神乎其神。
他氣死了周瑜,罵死了王朗,活時收服孟獲,死後嚇退司馬懿,對人性的洞察和利用舉世無雙。
唯一的污點,大約就是對於馬謖的任用。
馬謖自幼熟讀兵法,談論起來頭頭是道,經常給諸葛亮獻計獻策。
諸葛亮對馬謖十分看重,稱他為“當世之英才”,並將具有重要戰略意義的街亭交給他把守。
可馬謖一到街亭,就把諸葛亮提前做好的戰術部署改得乾乾淨淨。
面對副將的置疑。馬謖張口“兵法雲”,閉口“孫子曰”,引經據典大加駁斥。
又狂妄地表示:“我讀了很多兵書,丞相有事還找我問策,你有什麼資格阻攔。”
可將兵書背得再熟練,也改變不了馬謖不會實地指揮作戰的事實。
最終街亭失守,北伐嚴重受阻。
諸葛亮這才記起,劉備曾警告過“馬謖言過其實,不可大用”,可一切都已經太遲。
馬謖的誇誇其談,不但害了自己,也害慘了蜀國的未來。
馬謖的結局讓人感慨,也讓人驚醒。
《菜根譚》中說:“鷹立如睡,虎行似病,正是他攫人噬人手段處。故君子要聰明不露,才華不逞,才有肩鴻任鉅的力量。”
越是炫耀才華的人,內心越是淺薄無知。
越是大出風頭的人,越有可能名不副實,以致害人害己。
肯斂藏鋒芒,才能專注於積聚力量,達成目標。
能低調做人,才能避免結不必要的仇人,躲開無意義的麻煩。
《格言聯璧》裡說:“丈夫之高華,只在於功名氣節。鄙夫只炫耀,但求諸服飾起居。”
淺薄的人內裡空虛,不得不以服飾、起居等外物的華美,掩飾底氣的不足,用強撐的優越感遮蓋心底的自卑。
真正有實力的人,永遠秉一顆謙卑心,有功不自滿,才高不自詡,只專心提升自己。
取他人之長,補自己之短,不停趨向高處。
謙謙君子,卑以自牧。願你我餘生,皆能謙卑為懷,做如玉君子,得圓滿一生。
2021年3月26日 星期五
2021年3月25日 星期四
朋友見到老僧,便開始大吐苦水,剛結婚時候感情特別好,結果三天一小吵,兩天一大吵,任何一點雞毛蒜皮的小事,最後都會變成一場衝突大戰,慢慢地就耗完了兩人的感情。說到最後還感慨,羨慕別人白頭偕老的感情。
老僧聽完朋友的話就笑了,說:“都說男女婚嫁是喜結良緣,婚姻也是緣分的結合。善緣自然會使婚姻幸福美滿,惡緣也會讓冤家聚首,互相攻訐謾罵,導致感情破裂,難看收場。”
更何況,世上根本沒有所謂完美的感情,無常才是不變的法則,所以感情發生變化,也在常理之中。
朋友趕緊追問,遇到感情變化該怎麼辦呢?老僧說,當夫妻緣盡時,不用勉強挽留,只要做到這兩點就足夠了。
01
感情難免無常,斷惡修善去化解
老僧說:“一段感情的開始靠荷爾蒙,而維持一段感情靠的是責任。”過了愛情的蜜月期,褪掉唯美的外衣,露出婚姻的本真面貌,兩個人面對的就是柴米油鹽和雞毛蒜皮,磕磕絆絆也就隨之產生了。
婚禮上媽媽總會叮囑女兒,要好好經營婚姻,生活中難免會有爭執,一段感情也不能因為一點點的爭執就選擇放棄和分開。
佛說:“前生要積累和修持多少緣分,才能成就一段婚姻,今生要多少寬容、體諒和關懷,才能相互扶持著走到白頭偕老。”所以感情出現問題的時候,我們要抱持著斷惡修善的念頭去化解。
所謂“斷惡修善”,就是要改變心理,要修心。把惡的念頭修成善的念頭,兩個人相處有爭執,無非就是兩個人的“我執心”太重,互不相讓,都想讓對方低頭聽自己的。
甚至到最後出現問題,也會因為顧忌外人的眼光,一定要求對方同意不分手、不離婚,這種不願妥協、不願好好協商的結果就是把兩顆心推得越來越遠。
當婚姻出現問題,這就是緣分將盡的體現,雖然有前世的緣分在,但現世的經營和修煉還未達成。不過有問題不可怕,可怕的是不正視問題,不想著解決,一味勉強挽回,結果就是即使有一時的關係緩和,但問題沒化解,下一次的矛盾依舊會爆發。
所以,老僧提醒說:“當夫妻緣盡時,要做的不是勉強挽回,而是要抱持著'斷惡修善'的念頭去化解。”兩個人都稍微放下一些自我意志,各退一步,做到互相包容和諒解,爭執和矛盾自然也起不來了。
02
隨緣了舊業,切莫添新殃
老僧接著說:“婚姻要經營,感情要盡心維持,但這也是有前提條件的,對方必須是對的人才行。”跟不對的人組成家庭,那叫湊合。
好一點的,兩人的婚姻狀態就像最熟悉的陌生人,各過各的,沒有交集;差的可能會對彼此造成身體和心理上的傷害,造成家庭暴力。
佛說:“欲知前世因,今生受者是;欲知後世果,今生作者是。”前世緣定,今生便有果報,那麼今生在做的事情,也為以後埋下了因。
兩個不合適的人拼湊出的感情,我們要學會及時止損,不要再為以後造下惡業。那些不停地抱怨、爭吵和冷臉相對,就是在釋放一個信號——該“了結”這份錯誤感情了。
那些知道這段感情是錯的,但仍舊不撒手的人,老僧說這就是“貪”。貪圖一個渺茫的希望,貪圖對方的改變。
就像一些家暴新聞裡,受害者事後總會說“我以為他會改變的呀”,不對的人,就要儘早遠離,斷了不切實際的想像;還有的人不想面對別人的指指點點,受不了別人的流言蜚語,寧願將就過一生。
這一切都是在給自己增添新的枷鎖,在該結束的時候猶豫,最終導致更糟糕的結局。
朋友聽完老僧的一席話,沉默了許久然後笑了,他說他懂了,也明白該如何去處理自己的婚姻問題。
我也從老僧的這段開示中學到很多,因為業力的牽引,兩個人聚在一起,但是緣分善惡交織,我們的感情自然也會有諸多變化。
因此,一段幸福的婚姻,要注重自我修行,兩個人首先得是幸福的,這才能夠相互吸引和影響,共同幸福;如果這只是一段將就的婚姻組合,那麼及時止損便是最明智的選擇,好的分離勝過一生難堪糾纏,也是給彼此最後的體面。
2021年3月24日 星期三
自網路
所有偶像劇總脫離不了愛情線,甚至連娛樂節目都要來一下,大家總是闡揚著愛情的美好,但就是有些反骨的星座朋友,寧可一個人,他們覺得一個人也很好!這些星座有個很大的共通點,就是朋友多,目標與理想也多!說他們不需要愛情嗎?也不盡然,就是在某個人生片段,他們認為愛情不是最重要的而已!下面三個星座,就是人物代表,來看看吧~
單身過更好星座:牡羊座
羊群們個個才華洋溢,獨立性較高,通常也較有主見與想法,不是他們看上的人,要羊群配合基本上不太可能,他們只會用下視角45度斜眼看著你!羊群算是滿有行動力的一群,他們想要得到什麼,就會去做,考個碩士、出國打工留學、享受美食、環台...這些你會常常在羊群口中聽到,一但他們下定決心,就是一心一意,所以羊群的另一半或是另一半的親友,總會覺得他們自私!怎麼可以丟著家人自己去環台一個月?怎麼可以晚上都在咖啡廳K書不陪伴另一半?怎麼可以為了再考一個碩士,一整年都在國外...這也是羊群最後容易走向單身的主因,因為他們發現,因為他們發現,一個人真的比較「愜意自在」。
單身過更好星座:水瓶座
水瓶們是古怪出了名,他們不怕世俗的眼光,親朋好友耳提面命,對他們來說都是搔癢癢,一點感覺都沒有!他們是標準的活出自我!他們也算是愛結交朋友的一群,與朋友在一起相對比較輕鬆愉快,談談名牌鞋包、風花雪月、手機3C、網路電玩,都可以讓他們覺得空氣多麼新鮮,世界多麼美好!他們不喜歡那種為了柴米油鹽而煩惱的日子,他們身邊異性朋友多,打打鬧鬧、耍耍曖昧,也彌補了他們缺少愛情這塊遺憾!你問他們想不想要愛情,他們還是會回答:「要」,只是非必時,他們會說晚些時候吧,現在這樣就很好!
單身過更好星座:射手座
眾所皆知,射手愛自由總廣交朋友,就算沒有談戀愛,也喜歡跟朋友們作伙,三不五時問問你要幹啥?有啥新鮮的?他們也要一起。當他們談過戀愛,知道戀愛的羈絆是多麼「恐怖」後,他們寧願一個人自由自在的體驗人生帶給他們刺激與變化,追逐充滿挑戰與未知的夢想。除非另外一半可以給予他們充分(他們自己心裡有把尺)的自由,否則很難讓射手安定下來。說他們玩心重一點也不為過,有人甚至窮盡一輩子的在玩,至於玩什麼,每個射手不盡相同,但可以確定的是,要他們安定下來,是害人又害己,談個戀愛最後可能搞到兩人都一團混亂,所以他們覺得在沒有遇到那個充分信任,能夠放手的另外一半時,他們不會放棄一個人自由的爽快!
2021年3月23日 星期二
中英對照道德經 2
Your demons will lose their power to harm.
It is not that they lose their power as such,
But that they will not harm others;
Because they will not harm others,
You will not harm others:
When neither you nor your demons can do harm,
You will be at peace with them.
A maiden wins her husband by submitting to his advances;
Submission is a means of union.
So when a large country submits to a small country
It will adopt the small country;
When a small country submits to a large country
It will be adopted by the large country;
The one submits and adopts;
The other submits and is adopted.
It is in the interest of a large country to unite and gain service,
And in the interest of a small country to unite and gain patronage;
If both would serve their interests,
Both must submit.
The treasure of the saint,
And the refuge of the sinner.
Fine words are often borrowed,
And great deeds are often appropriated;
Therefore, when a man falls, do not abandon him,
And when a man gains power, do not honour him;
Only remain impartial and show him the Way.
Why should someone appreciate the Way?
The ancients said, "By it, those who seek may easily find,
And those who regret may easily absolve"
So it is the most precious gift.
Attend to do-nothing;
Taste the flavorless,
Magnify the small,
Multiply the few,
Return love for hate.
Deal with the difficult while it is yet easy;
Deal with the great while it is yet small;
The difficult develops naturally from the easy,
And the great from the small;
So the sage, by dealing with the small,
Achieves the great.
Who finds it easy to promise finds it hard to be trusted;
Who takes things lightly finds things difficult;
The sage recognizes difficulty, and so has none.
What lies far off is easy to anticipate;
What is brittle is easy to shatter;
What is small is easy to disperse.
Yet a tree broader than a man can embrace is born of a tiny shoot;
A dam greater than a river can overflow starts with a clod of earth;
A journey of a thousand miles begins at the spot under one's feet.
Therefore deal with things before they happen;
Create order before there is confusion.
He who grasps, loses.
People often fail on the verge of success;
Take care at the end as at the beginning,
So that you may avoid failure.
The sage desires no-desire,
Values no-value,
Learns no-learning,
And returns to the places that people have forgotten;
He would help all people to become natural,
But then he would not be natural.
But to help them become natural.
It is difficult for knowledgeable people to become natural;
So to use law to control a nation weakens the nation,
But to use nature to control a nation strengthens the nation.
Understanding these two paths is understanding subtlety;
Subtlety runs deep, ranges wide,
Resolves confusion and preserves peace.
Thereby the river is the master of the valley.
In order to master people
One must speak as their servant;
In order to lead people
One must follow them.
So when the sage rises above the people,
They do not feel oppressed;
And when the sage stands before the people,
They do not feel hindered.
So the popularity of the sage does not fail,
He does not contend, and no one contends against him.
"I am important;
I am separate from all the world.
I am important because I am separate,
Were I the same, I could never be important."
Yet here are three treasures
That I cherish and commend to you:
The first is compassion,
By which one finds courage.
The second is restraint,
By which one finds strength.
And the third is unimportance,
By which one finds influence.
Those who are fearless, but without compassion,
Powerful, but without restraint,
Or influential, yet important,
Cannot endure.
If you would establish harmony,
Compassion must surround you like a fortress.
Therefore,
A good soldier does not inspire fear;
A good fighter does not display aggression;
A good conqueror does not engage in battle;
A good leader does not exercise authority.
This is the value of unimportance;
This is how to win the cooperation of others;
This to how to build the same harmony that is in nature.
It is easier to lose a yard than take an inch.
In this manner one may deploy troops without marshalling them,
Bring weapons to bear without exposing them,
Engage the foe without invading them,
And exhaust their strength without fighting them.
There is no worse disaster than misunderstanding your enemy;
To do so endangers all of my treasures;
So when two well matched forces oppose each other,
The general who maintains compassion will win.
And my actions are easy to perform
Yet no other can understand or perform them.
My words have meaning; my actions have reason;
Yet these cannot be known and I cannot be known.
We are each unique, and therefore valuable;
Though the sage wears coarse clothes, his heart is jade.
Who ignores his limitations is sick.
The sage recognizes this sickness as a limitation.
And so becomes immune.
Then revolution will result.
Do not take away their lands,
And do not destroy their livelihoods;
If your burden is not heavy then they will not shirk it.
The sage maintains himself but exacts no tribute,
Values himself but requires no honours;
He ignores abstraction and accepts substance.
Who is brave and subtle will benefit.
The subtle profit where the bold perish
For fate does not honour daring.
And even the sage dares not tempt fate.
Fate does not attack, yet all things are conquered by it;
It does not ask, yet all things answer to it;
It does not call, yet all things meet it;
It does not plan, yet all things are determined by it.
Fate's net is vast and its mesh is coarse,
Yet none escape it.
Then what would be the use of an executioner?
If people were only afraid of death,
And you executed everyone who did not obey,
No one would dare to disobey you.
Then what would be the use of an executioner?
People fear death because death is an instrument of fate.
When people are killed by execution rather than by fate,
This is like carving wood in the place of a carpenter.
Those who carve wood in place of a carpenter
Often injure their hands.
Their people become hungry;
When rulers take action to serve their own interests,
Their people become rebellious;
When rulers take lives so that their own lives are maintained,
Their people no longer fear death.
When people act without regard for their own lives
They overcome those who value only their own lives.
A crone, hard and stiff.
Plants and animals, in life, are supple and succulent;
In death, withered and dry.
So softness and tenderness are attributes of life,
And hardness and stiffness, attributes of death.
Just as a sapless tree will split and decay
So an inflexible force will meet defeat;
The hard and mighty lie beneath the ground
While the tender and weak dance on the breeze above.
What is higher is pulled down, and what is lower is raised up;
What is taller is shortened, and what is thinner is broadened;
Nature's motion decreases those who have more than they need
And increases those who need more than they have.
It is not so with Man.
Man decreases those who need more than they have
And increases those who have more than they need.
To give away what you do not need is to follow the Way.
So the sage gives without expectation,
Accomplishes without claiming credit,
And has no desire for ostentation.
Yet nothing can better overcome the hard and strong,
For they can neither control nor do away with it.
The soft overcomes the hard,
The yielding overcomes the strong;
Every person knows this,
But no one can practice it.
Who attends to the people would control the land and grain;
Who attends to the state would control the whole world;
Truth is easily hidden by rhetoric.
This is dangerous.
The sage accepts less than is due
And does not blame or punish;
For harmony seeks agreement
Where justice seeks payment.
The ancients said: "nature is impartial;
Therefore it serves those who serve all."
Keep tools in abundance, but do not depend upon them;
Appreciate your life and be content with your home;
Sail boats and ride horses, but don't go too far;
Keep weapons and armour, but do not employ them;
Let everyone read and write,
Eat well and make beautiful things.
Live peacefully and delight in your own society;
Dwell within cock-crow of your neighbours,
But maintain your independence from them.
Rhetoric is not honesty.
Enlightened people are not cultured;
Culture is not enlightenment.
Content people are not rich;
Riches are not contentment.
So the sage does not serve himself;
The more he does for others, the more he is satisfied;
The more he gives, the more he receives.
Nature flourishes at the expense of no one;
So the sage benefits all men and contends with none.
Copyright (C) 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995 Peter A. Merel.
中英對照道德經 1
The world that can be constructed is not true.
The Way manifests all that happens and may happen;
The world represents all that exists and may exist.
To experience without intention is to sense the world;
To experience with intention is to anticipate the world.
These two experiences are indistinguishable;
Their construction differs but their effect is the same.
Beyond the gate of experience flows the Way,
Which is ever greater and more subtle than the world.
Then ugliness has been implied;
When good is abstracted
Then evil has been implied.
So alive and dead are abstracted from nature,
Difficult and easy abstracted from progress,
Long and short abstracted from contrast,
High and low abstracted from depth,
Song and speech abstracted from melody,
After and before abstracted from sequence.
The sage experiences without abstraction,
And accomplishes without action;
He accepts the ebb and flow of things,
Nurtures them, but does not own them,
And lives, but does not dwell.
Not esteeming the valuable prevents theft,
Not displaying the beautiful prevents desire.
In this manner the sage governs people:
Emptying their minds,
Filling their bellies,
Weakening their ambitions,
And strengthening their bones.
If people lack knowledge and desire
Then they cannot act;
If no action is taken
Harmony remains.
Used by the self, it is not filled by the world;
It cannot be cut, knotted, dimmed or stilled;
Its depths are hidden, ubiquitous and eternal;
I don't know where it comes from;
It comes before nature.
It treats all things impartially.
The Sage is not kind,
And treats all people impartially.
Nature is like a bellows,
Empty, yet never ceasing its supply.
The more it moves, the more it yields;
So the sage draws upon experience
And cannot be exhausted.
Its source hidden, forever flowing:
Its entrance, the root of the world,
The Way moves within it:
Draw upon it; it will not run dry.
The sage places himself after and finds himself before,
Ignores his desire and finds himself content.
He is complete because he does not serve himself.
Which benefits all things, and does not contend with them,
Which flows in places that others disdain,
Where it is in harmony with the Way.
So the sage:
Lives within nature,
Thinks within the deep,
Gives within impartiality,
Speaks within trust,
Governs within order,
Crafts within ability,
Acts within opportunity.
He does not contend, and none contend against him.
Temper a sword to its hardest and it is easily broken;
Amass the greatest treasure and it is easily stolen;
Claim credit and honour and you easily fall;
Retire once your purpose is achieved - this is natural.
Breathing gently, you become newborn;
Clearing your mind, you become clear;
Nurturing your children, you become impartial;
Opening your heart, you become accepted;
Accepting the world, you embrace the Way.
Bearing and nurturing,
Creating but not owning,
Giving without demanding,
This is harmony.
Because of the hole we may use the wheel.
Clay is moulded into a vessel;
Because of the hollow we may use the cup.
Walls are built around a hearth;
Because of the doors we may use the house.
Thus tools come from what exists,
But use from what does not.
Too much music deafens the ear,
Too much taste dulls the palate,
Too much play maddens the mind,
Too much desire tears the heart.
In this manner the sage cares for people:
He provides for the belly, not for the senses;
He ignores abstraction and holds fast to substance.
For they bring people hope and fear.
The object of hope and fear is the self -
For, without self, to whom may fortune and disaster occur?
Therefore,
Who distinguishes himself from the world may be given the world,
But who regards himself as the world may accept the world.
Listened to but cannot be heard - it is beneath sound;
Held but cannot be touched - it is beneath feeling;
These depthless things evade definition,
And blend into a single mystery.
In its rising there is no light,
In its falling there is no darkness,
A continuous thread beyond description,
Lining what cannot occur;
Its form formless,
Its image nothing,
Its name silence;
Follow it, it has no back,
Meet it, it has no face.
Attend the present to deal with the past;
Thus you grasp the continuity of the Way,
Which is its essence.
So profound they cannot be understood.
Because they cannot be understood
I can only describe their appearance:
Cautious as one crossing thin ice,
Undecided as one surrounded by danger,
Modest as one who is a guest,
Unbounded as melting ice,
Genuine as unshaped wood,
Broad as a valley,
Seamless as muddy water.
Who stills the water that the mud may settle,
Who seeks to stop that he may travel on,
Who desires less than may transpire,
Decays, but will not renew.
Embrace perfect peace.
The world will rise and move;
Watch it return to rest.
All the flourishing things
Will return to their source.
This return is peaceful;
It is the flow of nature,
An eternal decay and renewal.
Accepting this brings enlightenment,
Ignoring this brings misery.
Who accepts nature's flow becomes all-cherishing;
Being all-cherishing he becomes impartial;
Being impartial he becomes magnanimous;
Being magnanimous he becomes natural;
Being natural he becomes one with the Way;
Being one with the Way he becomes immortal:
Though his body will decay, the Way will not.
The next best are loved and praised;
The next are feared;
The next despised:
They have no faith in their people,
And their people become unfaithful to them.
When the best rulers achieve their purpose
Their subjects claim the achievement as their own.
Duty and justice appear;
Then knowledge and wisdom are born
Along with hypocrisy.
When harmonious relationships dissolve
Then respect and devotion arise;
When a nation falls to chaos
Then loyalty and patriotism are born.
Then people would profit a hundredfold;
If we could abolish duty and justice
Then harmonious relationships would form;
If we could abolish artifice and profit
Then waste and theft would disappear.
Yet such remedies treat only symptoms
And so they are inadequate.
People need personal remedies:
Reveal your naked self and embrace your original nature;
Bind your self-interest and control your ambition;
Forget your habits and simplify your affairs.
What is the difference between beautiful and ugly?
What is the difference between fearsome and afraid?
The people are merry as if at a magnificent party
Or playing in the park at springtime,
But I am tranquil and wandering,
Like a newborn before it learns to smile,
Alone, with no true home.
The people have enough and to spare,
Where I have nothing,
And my heart is foolish,
Muddled and cloudy.
The people are bright and certain,
Where I am dim and confused;
The people are clever and wise,
Where I am dull and ignorant;
Aimless as a wave drifting over the sea,
Attached to nothing.
The people are busy with purpose,
Where I am impractical and rough;
I do not share the peoples' cares
But I am fed at nature's breast.
The Way is without form or quality,
But expresses all forms and qualities;
The Way is hidden and implicate,
But expresses all of nature;
The Way is unchanging,
But expresses all motion.
Beneath sensation and memory
The Way is the source of all the world.
How can I understand the source of the world?
By accepting.
Bend and you straighten,
Empty and you fill,
Decay and you renew,
Want and you acquire,
Fulfill and you become confused.
The sage accepts the world
As the world accepts the Way;
He does not display himself, so is clearly seen,
Does not justify himself, so is recognized,
Does not boast, so is credited,
Does not pride himself, so endures,
Does not contend, so none contend against him.
The ancients said, "Accept and you become whole",
Once whole, the world is as your home.
High wind does not last long,
Nor does heavy rain.
If nature's words do not last
Why should those of man?
Who accepts harmony, becomes harmonious.
Who accepts loss, becomes lost.
For who accepts harmony, the Way harmonizes with him,
And who accepts loss, the Way cannot find.
Display yourself and you will not be clearly seen;
Justify yourself and you will not be respected;
Promote yourself and you will not be believed;
Pride yourself and you will not endure.
These behaviours are wasteful, indulgent,
And so they attract disfavour;
Harmony avoids them.
Beneath abstraction,
Silent, depthless,
Alone, unchanging,
Ubiquitous and liquid,
The mother of nature.
It has no name, but I call it "the Way";
It has no limit, but I call it "limitless".
Being limitless, it flows away forever;
Flowing away forever, it returns to myself:
The Way is limitless,
So nature is limitless,
So the world is limitless,
And so I am limitless.
For I am abstracted from the world,
The world from nature,
Nature from the Way,
And the Way from what is beneath abstraction.
Calm, the master of haste.
A lone traveller will journey all day, watching over his belongings;
Yet once safe in his bed he will lose them in sleep.
The captain of a great vessel will not act lightly or hastily.
Acting lightly, he loses sight of the world,
Acting hastily, he loses control of himself.
A captain cannot treat his great ship as a small boat;
Rather than glitter like jade
He must stand like stone.
The perfect speaker leaves no question to be answered;
The perfect accountant leaves no working to be completed;
The perfect container leaves no lock to be closed;
The perfect knot leaves no end to be ravelled.
So the sage nurtures all men
And abandons no one.
He accepts everything
And rejects nothing.
He attends to the smallest details.
So the strong must guide the weak,
For the weak are raw material to the strong.
If the guide is not respected,
Or the material is not cared for,
Confusion will result, no matter how clever one is.
This is the secret of perfection:
When raw wood is carved, it becomes a tool;
When a man is employed, he becomes a tool;
The perfect carpenter leaves no wood to be carved.
Being the entrance of the world,
You embrace harmony
And become as a newborn.
Using strength, being weak,
Being the root of the world,
You complete harmony
And become as unshaped wood.
Using the light, being dark,
Being the world,
You perfect harmony
And return to the Way.
According with their desire
Cannot succeed.
The world is shaped by the Way;
It cannot be shaped by the self.
Trying to change it, you damage it;
Trying to possess it, you lose it.
So some will lead, while others follow.
Some will be warm, others cold
Some will be strong, others weak.
Some will get where they are going
While others fall by the side of the road.
So the sage will be neither wasteful nor violent.
For violence has a habit of returning;
Thorns and weeds grow wherever an army goes,
And lean years follow a great war.
A general is well advised
To achieve nothing more than his orders:
Not to take advantage of his victory.
Nor to glory, boast or pride himself;
To do what is dictated by necessity,
But not by choice.
For even the strongest force will weaken with time,
And then its violence will return, and kill it.
They cause men to hate and fear.
The sage will not join them.
His purpose is creation;
Their purpose is destruction.
Weapons are tools of violence,
Not of the sage;
He uses them only when there is no choice,
And then calmly, and with tact,
For he finds no beauty in them.
Whoever finds beauty in weapons
Delights in the slaughter of men;
And who delights in slaughter
Cannot content himself with peace.
So slaughters must be mourned
And conquest celebrated with a funeral.
And therefore none can control it.
If a ruler could control the Way
All things would follow
In harmony with his desire,
And sweet rain would fall,
Effortlessly slaking every thirst.
The Way is shaped by use,
But then the shape is lost.
Do not hold fast to shapes
But let sensation flow into the world
As a river courses down to the sea.
Who understands the self is enlightened.
Who conquers the world has strength;
Who conquers the self has harmony.
Who is determined has purpose;
Who is contented has wealth.
Who defends his home may long endure;
Who surrenders his home may long survive it.
Implementing all the world, attending to the tiniest details,
Claiming nothing in return.
It nurtures all things,
Though it does not control them;
It has no intention,
So it seems inconsequential.
It is the substance of all things;
Though it does not control them;
It has no exception,
So it seems all-important.
The sage would not control the world;
He is in harmony with the world.
Strangers may stop with you;
But if you accord with the Way
All the people of the world will keep you
In safety, health, community, and peace.
The Way lacks art and flavour;
It can neither be seen nor heard,
But its benefit cannot be exhausted.
To reduce someone's force, first increase it;
To overthrow someone, first exalt them;
To take from someone, first give to them.
This is the subtlety by which the weak overcome the strong:
Fish should not leave their depths,
And swords should not leave their scabbards.
When you accept this
The world will flourish,
In harmony with nature.
Nature does not possess desire;
Without desire, the heart becomes quiet;
In this manner the whole world is made tranquil.
Closely held beliefs are not easily released;
So ritual enthralls generation after generation.
Harmony does not care for harmony, and so is naturally attained;
But ritual is intent upon harmony, and so cannot attain it.
Harmony neither acts nor reasons;
Love acts, but without reason;
Justice acts to serve reason;
But ritual acts to enforce reason.
When the Way is lost, there remains harmony;
When harmony is lost, there remains love;
When love is lost, there remains justice;
But when justice is lost, there remains ritual.
Ritual is the end of compassion and honesty,
The beginning of confusion;
Belief is a colourful hope or fear,
The beginning of folly.
The sage goes by harmony, not by hope;
He dwells in the fruit, not the flower;
He accepts substance, and ignores abstraction.
All the sky was clear,
All the earth was stable,
All the mountains were firm,
All the riverbeds were full,
All of nature was fertile,
And all the rulers were supported.
But, losing clarity, the sky tore;
Losing stability, the earth split;
Losing strength, the mountains sank;
Losing water, the riverbeds cracked;
Losing fertility, nature disappeared;
And losing support, the rulers fell.
Rulers depend upon their subjects,
The noble depend upon the humble;
So rulers call themselves orphaned, hungry and alone,
To win the people's support.
The use of the Way is to accept;
All things come from the Way,
And the Way comes from nothing.
When the common man learns the Way, he follows it on occasion;
When the mean man learns the Way, he laughs out loud;
Those who do not laugh, do not learn at all.
Therefore it is said:
Who understands the Way seems foolish;
Who progresses on the Way seems to fail;
Who follows the Way seems to wander.
For the finest harmony appears plain;
The brightest truth appears coloured;
The richest character appears incomplete;
The bravest heart appears meek;
The simplest nature appears inconstant.
The square, perfected, has no corner;
Music, perfected, has no melody;
Love, perfected, has no climax;
Art, perfected, has no meaning.
The Way can be neither sensed nor known:
It transmits sensation and transcends knowledge.
Sensation bears memory,
Sensation and memory bear abstraction,
And abstraction bears all the world;
Each thing in the world bears feeling and doing,
And, imbued with mind, harmony with the Way.
As others have taught, so do I teach,
"Who loses harmony opposes nature";
This is the root of my teaching.
Without substance it requires no opening;
This is the benefit of taking no action.
Yet benefit without action,
And experience without abstraction,
Are practiced by very few.
Health or possessions: which has more worth?
Profit or loss: which is more troublesome?
Great love incurs great expense,
And great riches incur great fear,
But contentment comes at no cost;
Who knows when to stop
Does not continue into danger,
And so may long endure.
But does not decay;
Great abundance seems empty,
But does not fail.
Great truth seems contradictory;
Great cleverness seems stupid;
Great eloquence seems awkward.
As spring overcomes the cold,
And autumn overcomes the heat,
So calm and quiet overcome the world.
Horses bear manure through its fields;
When a nation ignores the Way,
Horses bear soldiers through its streets.
There is no greater mistake than following desire;
There is no greater disaster than forgetting contentment;
There is no greater sickness than seeking attainment;
But one who is content to satisfy his needs
Finds that contentment endures.
You know the whole world;
Without taking a peep out the window
You know the colour of the sky.
The more you experience,
The less you know.
The sage wanders without knowing,
Sees without looking,
Accomplishes without acting.
The follower of the Way forgets as much as he can every day.
By attrition he reaches a state of inaction
Wherein he does nothing, but nothing remains undone.
To conquer the world, accomplish nothing;
If you must accomplish something,
The world remains beyond conquest.
The needs of other people are as his own.
He is good to those who are good;
He is also good to those who are not good,
Thereby he is good.
He trusts those who are trustworthy;
He also trusts those who are not trustworthy,
Thereby he is trustworthy.
The sage lives in harmony with the world,
And his mind is the world's mind.
So he nurtures the worlds of others
As a mother does her children.
Some are filled with life;
Some are empty with death;
Some hold fast to life, and thereby perish,
For life is an abstraction.
Those who are filled with life
Need not fear tigers and rhinos in the wilds,
Nor wear armour and shields in battle;
The rhinoceros finds no place in them for its horn,
The tiger no place for its claw,
The soldier no place for a weapon,
For death finds no place in them.
Harmony nurtures them;
Nature shapes them;
Use completes them.
Each follows the Way and honours harmony,
Not by law,
But by being.
The Way bears, nurtures, shapes, completes,
Shelters, comforts, and makes a home for them.
Bearing without possessing,
Nurturing without taming,
Shaping without forcing,
This is harmony.
Understand the mother, and you understand the child;
Embrace the child, and you embrace the mother,
Who will not perish when you die.
Reserve your judgments and words
And you maintain your influence;
Speak your mind and take positions
And nothing can save you.
As observing detail is clarity,
So maintaining flexibility is strength;
Use the light but shed no light,
So that you do yourself no harm,
But embrace clarity.
One may follow the Way like a main road,
Fearing only to leave it;
Following a main road is easy,
Yet people delight in difficult paths.
When palaces are kept up
Fields are left to weeds
And granaries empty;
Wearing fine clothes,
Bearing sharp swords,
Glutting with food and drink,
Hoarding wealth and possessions -
These are the ways of theft,
And far from the Way.
Cultivate harmony within your family, and harmony becomes fertile;
Cultivate harmony within your community, and harmony becomes abundant;
Cultivate harmony within your culture, and harmony becomes enduring;
Cultivate harmony within the world, and harmony becomes ubiquitous.
Live with a person to understand that person;
Live with a family to understand that family;
Live with a community to understand that community;
Live with a culture to understand that culture;
Live with the world to understand the world.
How can I live with the world?
By accepting.
Wasps and snakes will not bite him;
Hawks and tigers will not claw him.
His bones are soft yet his grasp is sure,
For his flesh is supple;
His mind is innocent yet his body is virile,
For his vigour is plentiful;
His song is long-lasting yet his voice is sweet,
For his grace is perfect.
But knowing harmony creates abstraction,
And following abstraction creates ritual.
Exceeding nature creates calamity,
And controlling nature creates violence.
Who preaches does not understand.
Reserve your judgments and words;
Smooth differences and forgive disagreements;
Dull your wit and simplify your purpose;
Accept the world.
Then,
Friendship and enmity,
Profit and loss,
Honour and disgrace,
Will not affect you;
The world will accept you.
Nor violence nor espionage,
But conquer them with inaction.
For:
The more morals and taboos there are,
The more cruelty afflicts people;
The more guns and knives there are,
The more factions divide people;
The more arts and skills there are,
The more change obsoletes people;
The more laws and taxes there are,
The more theft corrupts people.
Yet take no action, and the people nurture each other;
Make no laws, and the people deal fairly with each other;
Own no interest, and the people cooperate with each other;
Express no desire, and the people harmonize with each other.
The people are kind and honest;
When government is efficient and severe
The people are discontented and deceitful.
Good fortune follows upon disaster;
Disaster lurks within good fortune;
Who can say how things will end?
Perhaps there is no end.
Honesty is ever deceived;
Kindness is ever seduced;
Men have been like this for a long time.
So the sage is firm but not cutting,
Pointed but not piercing,
Straight but not rigid,
Bright but not blinding.
To govern men in accord with nature
It is best to be restrained;
Restraint makes agreement easy to attain,
And easy agreement builds harmonious relationships;
With sufficient harmony no resistance will arise;
When no resistance arises, then you posses the heart of the nation,
Deeply rooted and firmly established.
This is the method of far sight and long life.
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